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By: Iris Emery

Now if there's one thing that's essential for feeling sexy, it's self esteem. Without a feeling of confidence and a positive self-image, it's a pretty safe bet you won't be in the mood. But what exactly is self-esteem, how does it affect your sex life, and how do you go about getting it?

Self esteem explained


Having self esteem doesn't mean being big-headed or arrogant. In fact, the people that act like they have giant egos are usually trying to cover up a deep seated feeling of worthlessness. Real self-esteem means feeling at home with yourself, physically and emotionally. That means accepting and loving your body, knowing that your thoughts and feelings are valid, and forgiving yourself when you make mistakes.


Self esteem and your sex life


A very common problem is a poor body image. Women are often particularly affected by this - faced with hundreds of images of 'perfect' bodies and models, they feel that their body doesn't measure up to the airbrushed ideal. Men, too, can fall prey to the body-worry demons - how many men obsess over the size of their penis, or their missing 'six-pack'? Not surprisingly, if you're feeling less than good about your body you won't be over the moon about getting naked with someone. Emotionally, if your self-esteem is low you're unlikely to be feeling that horny anyway - which is a shame because sex is a great way to release endorphins and boost your mood!


Building your self-esteem


In the bedroom, are you holding back because of body worries? Most people find a fun and confident partner is far sexier than a supermodel-like figure. We can all admire good looking people. But remember that a hundred years ago cellulite was a mark of beauty, and in Michelangelo's day, a small penis was highly desirable! Rather than shying away from looking at yourself, stand naked in front of a mirror. Now, instead of criticising yourself, describe your body as though you were describing a good friend's. Don't focus on the bits you don't like - and don't use negative terms. Is it really the end of the world if you have a big behind?


How is your partner around your body? If they are critical, perhaps they don't understand how hurtful this can be. However, if you yourself don't love your body it's a lot to ask for a partner to do so. Instead of keeping the lights off and ignoring the issue, why not ask your lover for their 'top three' parts of your body (ruling out the obvious one!). You might be pleasantly surprised by what they notice about your body.


Remember too that there is more to you than a body - be thankful for your health and personality. Focus on the things that make you feel good - whether that's treating yourself to a hot bath or a massage or taking up some exercise.


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Iris Emery is a writer for http://www.oasislingerie.com She has many intresting topics and ideas for all to read about. Check out more of her articles.